


Secret Superhero of Secrecy

by Snow



Category: American Idol RPF, Glam Rock RPF, Screenwriter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Community: au_bingo, M/M, not intended to be taken seriously, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-22
Updated: 2010-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-10 05:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/96314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow/pseuds/Snow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Lambert is a superhero, and Dustin Lance Black is his boyfriend.  Any questions?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret Superhero of Secrecy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for au_bingo, square of Other: Superpowers.
> 
> This is fiction, and does not represent the views of these real people, whose names are used without their permission and knowledge.

"I wouldn't say this was the worst party I've been at. At least there was the potential of running into someone there who would want to talk to me." Dustin Lance Black glanced across the seat at Adam Lambert.

"Like me," Adam said.

"Precisely. Though I once accidentally was invited to a party where the host thought I was a conservative pundit. Apparently he didn't read further than Mormon on my website's bio."

"That must have been interesting," Adam said.

"It was." Lance glanced behind them and then he noticed the black SUV and that Adam's ever-present paparazzi had vanished.  "So don't panic, but I think we're being followed."

"Really?"

Then there was a big explosion and Adam went flying into the air.  He landed on his feet, fixed his hair, and wondered how Lance will react.   
    
"Wait, are you Superman?" Lance asked.

"Oh, fuck."  Adam looked chagrined, and he nodded, and he checked his nailpolish before responding.  "Something like. Is that going to be a problem?"

Lance shrugged.  "Only if we run into kryptonite, I guess."

Adam laughed.  "Guess you know which precious stone not to give me, then."  
   
"Is everything else an option?"

"Well, not emeralds.  They clash."

Lance looked confused.

"With my superhero costume."

"Oh.  Right.  Look, do you think the fact that someone just tried to kill us is related to your superpowers?"

Adam bit his lower lip.  "Hmm.  Well, I think if they knew my superhero identity, then they'd have above-average observation skills.  Which probably means they can be more subtle than huge explosions in the middle of DC."

Lance tried to focus on Adam's words, instead of the way he was worrying at his lip.  "Good point."

"I'm thinking either religious extremists, or the Russians."

Lance looked very skeptical.  "The Russians."

Adam shrugged (and managed to look incredibly attractive while doing so).  "I just said that so you wouldn't accuse me of being biased against religion."

Lance laughed.

"You know," Adam said.  "We could worry about this, _мы волнуемся_, as it were, or we could just go somewhere slightly safer than the middle of this sidewalk, and make out.  _Я хочу целоваться тебя_."

Lance didn't have a clue what Adam was saying, but he thought it was really sexy.  "Yeah," he nodded.  "That sounds like a good idea.  Shall we?" he started to ask, but then Adam picked him up and leaped up to the roof of the nearest building. 

"I didn't really feel like waiting for us to walk back to the hotel," Adam said.  "This is faster and -- damn!"

"What?" Lance asked, trying to sit up without being dropped.

"I think the explosion smeared my mascara," Adam said, setting Lance on the roof and pulling out a pocket mirror.  "Shit.  It did."

* * *

"What do you do with your superpowers?" Lance asked.

Adam pouted because they weren't making out yet.  He was pretty sure they were supposed to be making out now.  "You know, the usual.  Save the world from supervillains, rescue kittens, get laid."

Lance raised an eyebrow.  "You use your superpowers to get laid?"

"Not yet," Adam muttered as loud as he was able to mutter.  "Not successfully."

"What kind of supervillains do you have to battle?" Lance asked, clearly missing the point.

"Look," Adam said.  "I'm not a lesbian, and I don't particularly want to talk politics with you."

"Oh," said Lance, like he didn't know that, like Adam had been being subtle.

And then they had sex (with condoms).

The end.

* * *

(Okay, I lied.)

The next day:

"What are your plans for today?" Lance asked, freeing himself from the arm Adam didn't remember flinging over him.

"Too early for plans," Adam muttered.

"It's eight.  Thirty."

Adam was glad to have his suspicions confirmed.  "Much too early."

"Yeah, well, I have a meeting with a couple of representatives in an hour.  I'll see you this afternoon?"

"If I'm not busy saving the world," Adam murmured.

"Text me if that happens?"  Lance dropped a kiss on Adam's forehead. 

Adam rolled over and fell back asleep without answering.

* * *

Adam was composing an e-mail to his brother when his cell-phone rang.  He stared at the caller ID for a second, then pressed the answer button.  "_Mein Regenschirm ist gebrochen._"

"A situation situation has developed, and you're needed."

"I said: '_Mi paraguas está roto_'," Adam said.  "And I refuse to go outside without a working umbrella."

"A representative of the United States Congress has been kidnapped.  The very safety of our nation could be in jeopardy," the person on the other end of the phone said, and Adam rolled his eyes.  Really, people accused _him_ of being overdramatic.

"Fine, I'll buy one in the hotel gift shop," Adam said.  "But I'm going to put it on your tab."

"Oh, you should be aware that innocent bystanders are involved."

Adam snorted.  He didn't think he believed in innocent bystanders.

"Including one Dustin Lance Black, whom I believe you're acquainted with."

"Yeah, I--"  Adam rubbed the wet nail-polish of his thumb off on a paper towel, and grabbed one of his coats.  He opened the window of his suite.  "Oh, wait!  Where am I going?" he asked, right before he jumped.

"The National Air and Space Museum."

* * *

Adam was hoping that once he got to the Air and Space Museum it would be obvious what to do next.  It, unfortunately, was not.

"Can you show me on this map where the supervillain is?" he asked one of the blue-vested personnel behind the desk.

She blinked at him.  "Umm.  I can look it up?"

"Ooh, you have some kind of database?" Adam asked, attempting to lean over the desk.

"Not really.  I have Google?"

"Oh," he said, disappointed.  "Not that likely to be of help, then.  I'll just look myself."  He figured from his past experience that supervillains weren't that hard to find.  (He could usually tell by their extremely loud, evil laughs.  And their bad costumes.  Usually with capes.  And not the classy kind of cape, either.)

Adam was briefly distracted by Amelia Earhart's plane, before he realized it wasn't actually the one she'd actually disappeared in.  That was more than a little disappointing, but made more sense.  He was wondering if he was going to have to check every single gallery when he rounded the corner of the Wright Brothers' exhibit.

"I think that maybe you should take a step back from the precious historical artifact," Lance was saying softly.

"What if I don't want to?" the other person asked, and Adam winced at the fashion statement he was making.  Seriously?  That cape, with those polka dots, and those shoes, with the stripes?  Adam had met teenyboppers who could dress better.  (Well, not actually met them.  Like he wanted to have a conversation with any of them, even the ones with basic fashion sense.  Just, no.)

"His boyfriend is a superhero," Adam said, and he grinned, ready to get to the sweeping in and rescuing now.

"Also," Lance said, "Your cape is stuck on the display."

The supervillain tried to spin to face Adam, but with his cape stuck his feet ended up coming up and he fell.

"Ha!" Adam moved forward to secure the supervillain with his own cape.

"You're my boyfriend?" Lance asked.

"Well, not if you don't want me to be," Adam said.  "But, well, you just...seem like the kind of guy I'd like to date, rather than just hook up with."

Lance grinned at Adam.  "That sounds wonderful," he said.

"Umm, excuse me?" a voice said, just when Lance and Adam were starting to tilt their noses and move closer to each other.

"Yes?" Adam snapped, highly annoyed.  Lance made a calming gesture towards him.

"Thanks for the rescue.  I appreciate it."  And oh look, it was a man in a suit.  Probably the congressman.  Adam was not particularly impressed.  The man glanced between Adam and Lance.  "And I'll vote yes on the bill."

"If you're only saying that because Adam just saved your life--" Lance started.

"Then we're still grateful.  Thank you," Adam interrupted.  "I'm just going to take him down to the station," he said, gesturing at the captured supervillain.  "But then do you want to grab a late lunch?"

Lance nodded.  "That'd be great."

* * *

"You still think the explosion was, well, the Russians?" Lance asked, with a tiny grin, still clearly shaken.

"Yeah.  That was Miragenoid.  If he tried to light a match he'd be likely to light himself on fire. Explosions are far out of his league," Adam said.

"Oh."  Lance focused on his menu.

"So he clearly couldn't engineer something like that explosion.  And he tends not to work with anyone else."

"Is this something that happens often?" Lance asked.

"A little bit.  But, like, it's not even much of a bother.  I just have to waltz in to save the day."

Lance glanced up from the menu to meet Adam's eyes.  "Your nail polish is smeared, and your hair is all matted down by rain."

"I'll fix it when I get back to the hotel."

Lance looked extremely panicked.  "Are you a doppelganger?  Do I need to worry about those now?  Oh shit.  Who do I call?"

Adam extended the hand he'd finished painting the nails of to rest on top of Lance's hand.  "I'm fine.  You can have my boss' phone number if you want."  Adam pulled out his phone and scrolled to the incoming calls part of his call history.  "Here.  You copy that down, I'm going to go fix my hair."

"Thank God."

* * *

Lance was trying to decide whether or not he wanted a coffee to go with the dessert he definitely had to order, when Adam's face grew worried.  "What's wrong?" Lance started to ask.

"Under the table," Adam hissed. 

Lance had never seen Adam look like this before, so he obeyed.

There was the jingling of the bell on the door of the restaurant, and then the heavy plod of someone walking. "Adam Lambert," a voice said.

"_何だ?_" Adam asked. Lance didn't have a clue what it meant, but the anger came through strongly.  "You have no business here."

"It was never business, sweetheart," the voice replied.

"_Vraiment?_" Adam asked. "Like hell!"

The voice sighed. "If you'd just cooperated in the first place, we never would have had this problem."

"I don't do kid's birthday parties," Adam said. "You knew that before you even asked."

Lance rolled his eyes, and called 911.  "Shh," he whispered when the phone was answered, muting the incoming audio.

"Yeah," the voice continued, "But you say that about everything."

Adam sighed theatrically.  "I suppose you want to tell me your plans."

There's a pause, then the voice continues. "I don't think so."

"Then what's the purpose of this conversation?" Adam asked, and Lance could picture the way he had to be throwing his arms around.

"You weren't supposed to recognize me. I was just going to try to gather reconnaissance."

Lance realized with a start that they were both speaking softer, and that his chair was now being occupied. He glanced at his phone, only to see that the call with the police had ended. He hoped that meant a car was on its way, though he was less sure now that it was necessary.

"Tip for the future," Adam said. "If you're trying to avoid being noticed, don't call to me by name."

"I could not resist. I saw your beautiful visage and thought the whole restaurant should be staring at you with the adoration you deserved."

Lance saw a spider crawling across the floor towards him and set it on the leg of the woman who was annoying Adam. It was petty vengeance, but Lance was more than a little unhappy about being the person on the floor.

"My daughter will be turning five," the voice continued. "This is the kind of life-cycle event that was meant to be marked."

"It's not the kind of event I sing at," Adam said.

Lance had to stifle a sudden burst of laughter. He still wasn't sure why he'd been told to go under the table, but clearly the situation wasn't very serious at all.

He'd still called the police, though given he'd made a point of being quiet he doubted they'd approach with sirens blaring. They appeared now to be more than a little unwarranted, but Lance had been kidnapped once already today, and now the supervillain community presumably knew that he was dating Adam's superhero alter ego. If there was a supervillain community. Lance didn't know, he'd never been a supervillain, but he didn't think anyone could blame him for being a little paranoid.

"Everybody freeze," someone shouted, only it sounded more like the person who was trying to convince Adam to sign at her son's birthday than the police.

Lance really hoped she wasn't brandishing a gun around, but he had no way to know coming out from under the table.

Then there was a strange sputtering sound, followed by Adam's laughter. "I've never seen a device freeze time if it was powered by ice. Time not being a solid medium and all that. Now, I recommend you give yourself up to the police when they get here in, oh, less than a minute. At the least you're guilty of violating the restraining order I have against you."

Then Adam's hand was reaching under the table to help Lance up.

"What was that about?" Lance asked.

Adam just laughed. "Thanks for calling the police for me," he said. Lance must have looked at him funny, because Adam grinned. "I have really good hearing."

* * *

"Uh, Adam?"

"Yes?"

"You realize that your secret identity isn't very secret?"

Adam turned to look at Lance. His eyes, which with the eyeliner already looked abnormally large, grew even larger. "I've been very careful with it," he said.

Lance shrugged. "Not really. After all, I found out about it within five hours of meeting you."

Adam sputtered. "There were extenuating circumstances. I saved your life."

"All I'm pointing out is that it's a little obvious. And I would really rather you not have any explosions in your vicinity anytime soon."

"You say the sweetest things," Adam said.

* * *

"So it turns out that the explosion actually was the Russians. " Lance raised an eyebrow at Adam, who continued to explain. "The KGB, or whatever alphabetical combination they're using these days, got confused and accidently targeted our car instead of the one they meant to. They're really not so much competent these days."

Lance was still pretty confused, but Adam seemed relieved by these events. "So we're actually safe?" he asked.

"As safe as it gets around me," Adam said. And then they made out. Dangerously.

**Author's Note:**

> I welcome and appreciate all kinds of comments, though I would (obviously) prefer if any criticism was constructive. :)


End file.
